It’s loss…
Lorrie 1997, aged 35.
Those who knew me more than fifteen years ago, or even ten or so will remember I was a pretty girl. I wasn’t terribly vein I don’t think. In fact, until I was about 30, I really didn’t think I was anything special at all. But, I was slim, had long silky hair, pale with green eyes that held a somewhat steely glint at times, and…I was pretty. I took it for granted, and at times enjoyed it. It was not the most important thing to me certainly, and why I didn’t spend too much time on it.
I held my looks I think until I was about 40. Certainly when I look at my wedding photos I look good, and definitely not 40, lucky me. Sadly, with the birth of Orla, recovering from a traumatic and gruesome delivery, her colic, sleepless nights without end, her illnesses, and nary a full nights sleep in five years etc, have taken their toll.
I don’t know when it was exactly that I suddenly looked old and tired, and most definitely not young and pretty any more. I also can’t seem to remember when it was that I lost interest. I was photogenic when I was young, and loved having my picture taken. Now, I avoid the camera at all times, and stay behind the lens if I can rather than in front. These days, unless carefully composed, it’s almost impossible for me to get a good shot of myself without looking old, tired drawn, exhausted and a face that looks positively sagging. Being overweight doesn’t help I know. I look in the mirror now, with the knowledge that on this day, this is as good as it gets, and this premise will apply for every day here after.
This is not a whine tough, it really isn’t. For after all, what can I do? Starve myself and end up looking like an old chicken, fill my face with poison and look like a piece of sweaty playdo? And indeed, what I got in exchange was infinitely more wonderful than looks. I got my little girl, who I could not live without. The most amazing, vibrant, exciting, loving, funny, clever and adorable little creature that brings utter joy to my life.
No, one must accept it, and I do. Beauty is purely subjective anyway, and being a middle aged woman is now become quite trendy and cool, but, I do sometimes miss being young and pretty.
7 Responses to It’s loss…
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Lorrie Whittington
Visual Artist and Designer
Chichester, UK
You were pretty! But then I still think you are now from your recent pics. Having never had great looks anyway, I don’t miss them now – though I do blame all the sleepless nights with my pair on my horrendous crows feet
Awww, thank you Alison. However, I am very careful what photos I allow on the net now. But bless you. As for your own looks, I would always have said you were a very attractive woman, and have that lovely colour hair. Yes, long term sleep dep has a lot to answer for.
I didn’t know you before but i have always thought that you are attractive. Maybe it is the twinkle in your eyes or the lovely smile.
Like you I always thought myself younger than my years until I had my child.
And these days I look in the mirror more often with a sigh. But what can we do?
I think it helps when your daughter tells you that you are beautiful and you know she really means it.
Alix, firstly…thank you. Secondly, you are absolutely right. My daughter thinks I am beautiful, and she truly means it, and when she tells me, I feel pure joy.
Judging by your old photo Lorrie, I would say far and away you have improved your looks with age.Short hair suits you better anyway…..Forget wistful memories, they only make one sad : ))
Thank you Chris, and you are quite right. As Edna says, ‘I never look back darling, it distracts from the now’
I’ve been going through this recently, too. But here’s my 4p’s worth.
when I was young I had no idea how attractive I was, not that I was hugely attractive, just that I thought I was pig ugly! I now realise I had a certain something. Anyway, the point is, you look back and realise that you had something, and mourn it’s loss, but you are unable to see what you have now – until you look back on this, years later.
Personally I agree with Chris, you still got it! And failing that, you’re a dab hand with the photoshop, so who cares!
Personally, although I now look haggard and tired, I look better as a haggard and tired 38yr old than I did at 20., I have grown in to my rather ‘unusual’ features! ‘character’ that’s the word…